On Contemplating One’s Career

Image result for life crushing me

Life has admittedly been pretty rocky for me lately. I have been having trouble focusing. I’ve been suffering from intense social anxiety and depression. As I’ve mentioned before, I still get irritated when I have to talk to anyone for any length of time. I couldn’t bear to leave the house, get dressed and go somewhere yesterday. Some days I can barely rip myself out of bed. I crave sleep, blessed unconsciousness where I can, if only temporarily, put all these somber thoughts on hold.

Image result for what you focus on grows

I did start things in the right direction this time. I have an appointment to get my birth control removed!! YIPPEE!!!!!!! #hatenexplanon #hatebc #hatebirthcontrol #hatersgonnahate #bcsucks #hormonalbirthcontrol #nothnx

Lately at work I notice that I focus on the negative all the time. I feel like I don’t know what my manager’s expectations are like for me, and I feel lost & floundering. I hate myself because I feel like I am doing a bad job, and I am. Things have been slipping through the cracks because I haven’t had the energy to care lately. My mind has been too frazzled and I get disappointed in myself because I really WASN’T ready for the job. I have only proven myself right. It SUCKS. I feel like a FAILURE.

It sucks to finally realize the end goal of your career, and find out you absolutely fucking hate the shit out of that role. I feel constantly STRESSED and there WAY TOO MANY TASKS. I know I am not being a crybaby, it is a tiresome position. The turnover rate is high for the salaried, managerial position in my industry.

I can’t wait to have this load dumped off my hands. I know I look like an employee without ambition. Because honestly, it’s like my preferences are changing with my age in a way. My brain equilibrium is off so I can’t concentrate enough to do the role and the many demanding tasks that are required. I’m not there yet, just like my GM and I discussed.

Honestly with my social anxiety, I find myself longing for a night time position somewhere. Jacob is going to be working overnight. I also enjoy the night hours, and I enjoy even more the silence of slumbering guests. There’s hardly any bullshit on the night shift, except for when there is. But that’s rare enough…

The only thing is with that position I more than likely will have to take a pay cut. A year ago, I took a pay cut to take this job where I am now. That would be down trending which I find very difficult to give myself permission to do. Yeah, the hours and less people might make me happy, but it’s not good for Jake and I as a family. We have debts we have to take care of, and I won’t be doing us any favors by lessening our monthly income. Urgh.

Your Job Satisfaction Level: 47%

Your job is about average. There are some parts you really enjoy, and some parts that stress you out.

It’s possible that you need a small change. Maybe you should switch companies or positions.

It’s also possible that you’re simply burned out. No job is perfect, even a great one.

Give yourself a personal day to think about your career goals – and if your current job is helping you achieve them.

The dilemma I find myself in… I find myself asking myself;

Do I hate…

A) my co-workers?
B) my job? Or
C) just that I have to work period?

I suspect all of the above.

Advertisements

Boom Goes the Bomb!


My boss recently called me into his office to tell me some news. It started out kind of light, a little joking, and then he segued into the poor performances around the office lately. Before I knew it, he was confessing to me that he’s leaving!!!!

O.O As if that’s not distressing enough, he said to me, “Of course I’ll be backing you for the position.” O_O Honestly, I’m sitting pretty right now being an hourly employee and in the hotel industry going salary is pretty much the kiss of death D: :((((( SO NOT HAPPY!!!!

My first thoughts:

  • I don’t really want the position
  • There are so many more responsibilities
  • Before when our department performed poorly, he got yelled at and now it will be me :((((
  • I will have to become an adult and start going to work at 7 in the morning and THAT’S NOT ME!!! ARRRRRRGH!!!! (This is what I dread the most, having to switch my PM lifestyle)
  • IT’S A LOT OF STRESS
  • When people don’t show up, I’ll have to cover their shifts :((((
  • I’ll be responsible for firing people
  • I don’t think I’m responsible/reliable enough for the job

I kept all of this to myself, of course. I don’t want them to see me in doubt. I want to appear confident and ready, when really I’m shitting myself. Jake was disappointed in me for not being more excited. I mean, there are reasons to be glad-

  • I’ll be managing my own team
  • I can pick my own assistant to share my workload
  • LOTS MORE $$$
  • Being a front office manager is what I’ve always wanted to be, and the ultimate goal for my hospitality career so I should be happy about that

I’m just increasingly unsure of myself, and don’t think I’m ready. When really, it’s not that I’m not necessarily ready it’s that I CANNOT STAND THE IDEA OF DOING THE AM SHIFTS!!!! UGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH I seriously hate mornings, they can’t make me get up in the mornings I will be useless and I just do not fucking want it at all. If I could stay PM, I would have no problem taking over the position but that seems highly unlikely 😦 Why you gotta fuck shit up boss, now the pressure is on me :((((((

Ladies Night Out at Wine & Palette OKC

image

imageIt was a smashing experience!! Great fun, watered down drinks so I didn’t get drunk or anything. Being surrounded by and involved in so much art felt very therapeutic and fun to me. The girls suggested we start going every month, and wouldn’t that be great?

 

image

Alisha’s favorite was of course Aladdin from Disney.

 

image

image

~*~ Gettin’ My Drink On ~*~

image

image

It all would have been a really great night out if I didn’t have sour face Jake there to pick me up at the end of the night. I tell you I can’t win with that man. I do duplicitous things behind his back and he finds out and gets mad. I decide to own up and be honest before I am going to do something he’ll dislike, and he still gets royally pissed. He was mad that night and didn’t speak to me for like 3 hours, stewing in his anger. He was upset because he believes in a pact where I won’t drink if he’s not around. He’s worried I’ll get drunk and lose my inhibitions. Damn fool, doesn’t he realize with this ring on my finger he will not be getting rid of me quite so easily?!?!?!

image

it’s a little early for cold feet, isnt it?

Postsecret of the week:

1.ring

Being with Jake always has been and always will be full of trials and tribulations. Jake is a complicated guy. Jacob has suffered a nontraditional upbringing and had to basically raise himself, when he wasn’t floating here or there in the foster system. His father was hooked on drugs all his life. His father was also blind and never worked. Jake and his siblings often times went without while their father used all their money for drugs. They lived in shitty motels, getting kicked out constantly, or their lives constantly put in danger because of their father’s shady friends. He was in and out of jail constantly, and Jake stayed with different family members all over and the foster care system as well.

His sister once commented to me that coming from what they do, it’s difficult for them to trust and be with someone, and I completely understand what she was saying. Jake isn’t perfect, but I love him. He’s so not perfect that the other night last week, I came home from work ONE HOUR LATE and for about two and a half days after, he treated me like shit saying I’m an untrustworthy hoe, or at least he might as well have said it. He kept reminding me of my previous transgressions against him, saying, “Why would I want to marry someone I know can do something like that?” UGH. I NEVER CHEATED, CHILLAX BRO. *rolls eyes* We’ve actually been getting along super well for like 3-4 months now, so I don’t know what the fuck crawled up his ass all of a sudden.

He reminds me of my mother, actually, because he’s very hard to please. But I have chosen Jake so far in life because he is always trying to shape me into something better, more focused, more mature. He is always encouraging me to be the best that I can be, rather than lazy or immature or irresponsible. He makes us make responsible, good decisions even when I drag my feet or don’t see the wisdom immediately.

Right now Jake is desperate to get me to buy a house I don’t really want. I thought it was too small, and I hate the fact that it is in Moore off the high way. I feel like we are asking for it, but Jake has promised me he will get us a storm shelter right away. I made him promise I have to have it within 6 months of moving in. It’s my compromise for living in Moore, which I absolutely do not want to do. Jake always gets impatient with my concerns, saying that he wants to live somewhere it’s safe to walk down the street. He’s not concerned about tornadoes, but I sure the fuck am!!!

It makes me feel trivialized how he bats my concerns to the side. He gets downright impatient and mean when I bring them up. He’s like, “It’s Oklahoma, there’s risk of tornado anywhere you move!!” and I want to yell at him: “OK, sure, but why the fuck do we have to move to the place on the map that they almost ALWAYS go WITHOUT FAIL????” *cries in frustration* I DON’T WANT TO LIVE IN MOORE, I WISH JAKE WOULD LISTEN TO ME.

p.s. update on the job front
lol I had no reason to trip over Veronica. She never even showed for her interview. I was like MENTAL HIGH FIVE when my boss told me 😀 😀 😀

reflections on s5x10

from a CS prospective: WTF ARE YOU DOING TO MY SHIP??

lol after this episode, I feel the need to go back and binge watch season 4 goodness because of how upset I am over this fictional relationship

My boyfriend laughed at my reactions throughout the episode. The whole reason I love Captain Hook is because of his deep love for Emma. Or what WAS a deep love?!?!?!?! TOT

Surely he’s just being a big asshole. A big dark one asshole who is not able to resist the darkness and has let it take over him. The Hook I loved did die that day unfortunately *sobs* Now we have this weird dark one that I don’t even

*flails*