Asphyxiation could’ve been my end

Hubby and I just finished watching this show together. It’s The Voices featuring Ryan Reynolds.

I thought the movie was pretty cool. It said dark comedy and I knew that was right up my alley. For once, Ryan Reynolds didn’t play his standard character. He wasn’t charming and funny, he was awkward and a lot more real. I felt a lot of sympathy towards the serial killer character. They made him so likeable, and just so confused. The cat and dog are like the angel and devil on his shoulders and his only friends. His tragic childhood made him a deranged soul, who didn’t event really register what he was doing. He had a tendency to “put [his victims] out of their misery when they were suffering.” His first kill seemed like an honest accident. He seemed so frantic and confused. It was weird mind fuck kind of movie, I’d recommend it.

It turns out Jake’s job change has been a very stressful transition. He is always stressing and out and telling me he feels like he’s going to have a heart attack. O_o I think he partially blames me. You see, he found out that the hospital has a 3 month probationary period where they can deem you unacceptable and fire you, basically. He is dreading that he won’t have a job in 3 months and is resenting the fact that he left solid pay and easy work at wal mart for a more stressful, professional high-level job than he’s ever had before. He’s pretty much always stressed out now to where he’s unbearable.

First of all, his schedule has changed and we are having our disagreements. Jake and I have always been night owls, staying up until usually anywhere between 5am-7am and then sleeping all day long. Now during his training period, he’s working a regular 9-5 and he wants me to lie down with him around 2 in the morning. Eat, have sex, lay down. I’m used to staying up much longer hours, and I find the transition annoying. I know he only wants to cuddle with me more, but I feel restrained and annoyed. I want to be up, and he can be down. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to change what I’m doing and do exactly what he does. I want to compromise though. We just haven’t figure out a good balance yet.

I admit I haven’t been getting the sleep I should be. Once he leaves early in the morning, my tendency is to be up longer and soak up some me time and forego sleep. I did something really hazardous though due to my lack of sleep.

The other day after he left for work, we were low on groceries so I went to the grocery store to buy a pizza. I then proceeded home where I put it in the oven, and then passed out for 4 hours. When I woke up, there was thick, grey smoke filling half of the trailer. The back hallway and all our clothes and anything fabric smells like shit now. I have been doing laundry steadily all day. I almost friggin killed myself!!!!

It just goes to show me things that are bad for me I need to avoid. It was selfish of me to go and buy that pizza. I never share with Jake, it’s one of my guilty pleasures. I know I’m not supposed to eat bread and I rebel anyway and eat a whole pizza to myself. Except I didn’t that day -____-

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Lacy, the Lady in Charge (Behind the Scenes)

Image result for lady bossThings have been hectic for me lately. I’ve been suffering from a pretty strong bout of brain fog. (Read more) Sounds like a funky excuse, but it’s more common than you think!

I’ve been experiencing some uncomfortable health issues and depression has been a side effect. The other day at work, my co-worker Dottie observed that I’ve been off the last couple of days, and I found myself admitting to her how I find it really difficult to get out of bed. Or at least, that was the case last week. I could barely peel myself out in time to get to work and showed up sloppy, hair not combed or simple things like forgetting my makeup.

I’ve been trying to do better and Jake has had a schedule change recently which has changed my sleeping patterns. He’s getting a new job soon! He starts next week as a pharmacy technician at Mercy hospital. I couldn’t be more proud. This is what we have been striving for, and the money is surely appreciated.

While I have been experiencing strong depression, don’t be mistaken about my married life. I am actually still ecstatic regarding my feelings and our marriage. We’ve been tested early on but I feel we met many compromises to see ourselves through our hardships. Being married is like finding a blessed island in the middle of a turbulent ocean, a sanctuary in the middle of a thrashing sea. I feel utterly safe and comforted, completely accepted and loved. We have been joined now and I always feels this connection between us, even when things are hard.

I’ve been wanting to seek counseling for some time now. I’ve failed to actually seek it out because I’m looking for a specific kind of therapist. I went to a younger therapist once and didn’t enjoy the experience. When I was a young kid, I was the teacher’s pet and would stay after school to chat with the older ladies. They were funny and wise, and with my Grandma missing in my life, I find myself seeking the attention of an older woman rather than a younger one.

I know it would help me a lot to seek counseling again. I have a lot of vices I’d like to discuss with someone objective. I find myself wanting to talk about my family affairs because they’re so stupid and complicated. My relationships with my mother and father are agonizing to me most of the time, and I think of them frequently though I don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing that. I’m punishing them by not talking to them. It backfires on me every time because I miss talking to them, but they friggin’ kill me so I seem to always repeat the process once I break the silence to assure myself they’re still alive and kicking. Resume resentment and sour feelings of emotional abandonment.

So as you might think, I don’t always have my shit together. Particularly, at work!! 😦 I have been stressed beyond a breaking point lately and just let a whole lot of shit slide. That’s why I’m not particularly proud to be running things. I can’t even run things in my own life. I am always forgetting to do important things for myself. I have trouble taking care of myself. I therefore have trouble managing a team of girls. I like to take a step back and just let things run on auto pilot.

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I’ve become very disappointed in my work ethic. I just don’t have the energy or will power to as well as I would like to up at my job. I want to think of the guests as nice people who help keep me in a job but mostly I feel like they’re nuisances. I’ve been stretched emotionally lately and just talking to people stresses me out. Of course, that makes doing my job well impossible. My anxiety has just been going haywire lately. Social anxiety has me dipping out of work early some nights, or otherwise praying and hoping my associates will want to go home early so I can get some solitude. I just find people talking to me very distracting and agitating. So often I just wish people, the guests and my co-workers alike, would just LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I’m trying to work past these feelings. I try to curtail my anxiety by sitting down to work on projects in the back and let them do the check in work for the most part. I get anxiety when Chelsea sits down in the back and I am in the front. I resent doing more of the work, when I have more important things to do. I am trying to do better though, to smile and to have them be genuine rather than forced.

At work, my boss is still absent. She has been out sick since before my wedding. Since she was hired in July, she has probably worked a total of one month- and that is being generous. No one knows what ails her. She has a serious illness maybe cancer and is no longer ambulatory. She has to get around in a wheelchair when she is not in the hospital. We are in some limbo no-man’s land just waiting for the legal period to pass in which we can replace her. I have to last at least another month, mid way through November it sounded like to me. *HUFF*

I keep asking myself if I can hack this. I get so stressed out. When I think about what would make me happy and soothe my anxiety, it makes me sound so unambitious. Honestly, I would love to get hired on as a night audit manager overnight somewhere. I find the night time shift less stressful because you do not encounter as many people. But to take less money just to have less stress is going the wrong way in my career.

Speaking of my career, this experience has left me questioning my abilities. It is very nerve racking to have the job I always wanted (front office manager) and to absolutely fucking hate it. I feel overwhelmed constantly and a pressure to make everything run as smoothly as possible. I run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off instead, and feel like I’m doing a terrible job at everything I try to do.

I think it’s possible just because of my personal issues to be having troubles. I might not hate this job as much when I am mentally doing well and prepared for it. They say I should cut myself some slack more often, so here are some contributing factors to why I hate things so much right now:

A) I do not have an assistant to share the load
B) Expectations have not been clear on my manager’s part

CAN I MAKE IT?

Dodged a bullet, time to celebrate!!

As some of you may know, my boss recently quit his job. I interviewed for his position, but I wasn’t happy about it. Everyone said it made sense to promote me, and I would nod my head and agree. But it seemed the more I acted like I wanted it on the outside, the more on the inside I was screaming I didn’t want it.

There’s been a lot of stress and pressure on me during this time. Everyone was encouraging me and saying I should get it, and I had to smile. I was faking it. I was faking being an ambitious person who would like to further their career. How Sad. I felt like I couldn’t admit I didn’t want it, because then people (mostly Jake) are like, “Don’t you want MORE MONEY???”

Don’t you mean don’t you want more STRESS?!!?!

I was never so glad then when my boss brought me into her office. She was trepidatious at first, nervous that she may upset me. She had no idea that over the weekend I had had a mental breakdown over the issue. I made myself sick for a weekend, worried about the position.

I had interviewed and did a good job of it. I always do well in interviews, and I was worried I’d actually convinced them to let me do the job. A job I was coming to realize I desperately did not want AT ALL.

On Saturday, I was in tears when I called my grandpa for advice. I was full of doubt and worry over the position. I didn’t think I could do it. I know how much stress I can handle, and I am already at the brink. I can’t handle much more, so I knew the job wasn’t for me but was afraid to tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know how much I doubted myself- wanted to appear confident and ambitious, ready and willing to take up the gauntlet. The opposite of what I really am.

I had a mental breakdown at work on Saturday. I called my grandpa, and he told me it was perfectly okay to accept your limitations. He said it was better to do what was best for me, and I knew better than anyone else what I could and couldn’t handle. Even though his words were comforting, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably.

Before I knew it, I was locked in the bathroom having a freak out. I bawled my eyes out, furious that I couldn’t handle the pressure of the job. I was furious at myself for admitting that I couldn’t do it. I fell short of my expectations for myself and it was a very bitter pill for me to swallow.

Speaking of pills, I blame my birth control partly for my insanity.

I noticed that my depression has worsened using the nexplanon implant I have. I am constantly bloated and fat and can’t fit into any of my pants. A co-worker of mine asked me if I was pregnant on a day I wore a dress I usually love. My other co-worker Sara admitted the dress gave me a pooch, and I felt so uncomfortable.

I’ve been uncomfortable for quite some time now. I feel crazier then ever because I started taking my depression pills to counteract the effect of the implant, but couldn’t keep it up like I never can and started taking them more sporadically, and then not at all. My brain chemistry has been fucked up.

Worse than that, my sex drive has been like -10. Of course birth control works, it makes sex seem like the most annoying chore in the world. I’ve barely felt any passion or longing for Jake in some time. And I know that’s not me, I know I love him and want him that way. I’m not falling out of love with him, I’ve just lost all interest in sex and the mechanics of it. I get annoyed, and more than that, I feel ashamed of my body. I never want to share my body, I am sick of my body.

I have determined that after my wedding, I am going to have my implant removed. I might have pain in the middle of every month, but I have to ask myself if all these other symptoms are worth the trouble I am having. I can’t stand to watch my body expand more, gain more weight. Because let’s face it, I’m not getting up and exercising to get rid of it- that’s not me >__>

I feel like maybe my mind will be better once I’m off of it, too. Maybe I have been so anxious and nervous lately because my brain chemistry is off. I wonder if it has affected my performance at my job….. Speaking of the job, the news my boss gave me yesterday was wonderful!!

People will think I am upset, but I DID NOT get the job. FUCKING HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to pump my fist in the air when she told me. As I have said, she was nervous at first to tell me the news. She never knew how much I dreaded it. I saved face. And she had a number of kind things to say to me. I felt mollified, and assured her that we were on the same page. I wasn’t upset. I am not upset. Thank God, I do not have to deal with that headache or change my life. I get to keep staying on the PM shift, which is really the chief thing I was worried about. I didn’t want to change my schedule and my life for the job. I HATE MORNINGS. I can’t be a responsible adult and work a 9-5. FUCKING TORTURE! I am so glad I dodged that bullet.

To celebrate, watch this music video. It makes me smile like no other.

Buh-bye, TTFN

My own success weighs heavy on me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOBY!!!!

My boss gave his two weeks notice. Now people will look at me, pay attention to when I show up for work and how I behave. My responsibilities will increase and my hours as well. I will make hard calls, keep up with purchasing in all regards. I will make schedules, update need to know information. I will have to check the sales ladies information, because she’s a little spacey at best.

I got pulled over by a highway patrol the other day. I was going to try on wedding gowns and I told him I was late. Now, it has been some time since I got pulled over on the highway, and I accidentally made him follow me for awhile, not knowing what to do. I just took the nearest exit off the highway because that’s what made sense to me.

However, when he caught up to me, he was quite irate. He was sarcastic and mean. He saw I definitely need corrective lenses to drive and he was like, “So you can see. Don’t know why you’d blow past a highway patrol like that.” Well, obvs… I didn’t see you lol

He ended up coming back to the car and he had only written me a warning. He let me off, and said it seems like there is a lot going on in your life, and you need to pay more attention while you’re out here on the road.

Pay attention. I guess you could say that has been hard. I have paid attention while my waistline expands and paid attention to my sudden spikes in anxiety. The prospect of being the big boss is making me want to run the other way and not step up to the plate, I want to be lazy and stay where I am but not if it means anyone will think less of me. I regretted it the last time I didn’t take a management role and I had the opportunity to. I was jealous when I let my last opportunity go, at our hotel I could really have things good if I could just get my personal affairs in some semblance of order.

My life falls apart around my ears. Nothing is really wrong with it, but everything is. I eat all night out of boredom and don’t care that I am supposed to be minding my p’s and q’s and watching out for the deadly disease that killed my grandma; diabetes. I am a likely candidate, and still I stuff my face.

As if that is not enough, I worry all the time about my parents. My parents who make me feel ashamed whenever I spare the time to think on them. I feel like I never say anything real to them, because I keep my anger to myself. I let them think I’ve adjusted to the way things are and that I’ve forgiven them their youthful foolishness.

My mother was a beautiful teenager. She had many suitors at the time she became pregnant. There was speculation about who the father could be, each candidate less desirable than the last. She had (and still does have) horrible taste in men, and they were all related to gang activity in some way.

The real story of my birth is that during the time my mother was pregnant, my father was carted off to rehab against his will. He had a record and he had to go, and he had no way to call my mother in those days and tell her what happened. He asked his mother to go and explain, but she never did.

When Johnny was released from rehab and knew my mother had a baby, he came to see if I was his. The story goes that when he came to the door, my uncle answered the door and told him my mom didn’t want to see him no more. She had moved on, as any young beautiful girl would once she’s assumed the father of her illegitimate baby has disappeared on her. She chose another man to be my father in his absence, and she had to stick with the story.

Johnny went away, mad at her. If she didn’t want him, he didn’t want her. He thinks I have forgiven him for this, that they were young and somehow I guess not at fault for that reason alone. He called me on Father’s Day to tell me how proud he is I was his first creation and that he thinks our connection is very important. I wanted to say very badly, “Yeah, it was real important the first 20 years of my life.”

He knew about me. He could have tried harder. He wrote my mother and me off. Maybe he wasn’t completely certain he was the father, but you would think a guy would not rest until he found out before he gave up. They were young, and he didn’t want me. No one wants a baby when they’re that young. I still feel upset though, that my heritage was hidden from me. It was for the best, since Johnny would not have been a good dad for me either, growing up. I was better off with the family I had. It makes it hard though sometimes, I feel alienated from him in that way. He had all that time to try and seek me out, and he never did. Now you think you can worm your way in so easily….?

Anxiety City Here I Come

My boss told me this weekend that he is quitting for sure now. He turned in his two weeks notice today v____v I had hoped to stall him as much as possible, and now I will be lost. They will make me a salary employee and now they will own my ass. My mind will be that much more occupied by work. I am already worried if I can do the job. I know I will be able to because I already do much of it now…. but I’m still nervous.

I don’t think it’s only because of the possible promotion at work. I also got side tracked and didn’t realize my wedding is pretty much ONE MONTH AWAY!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!! *excited, but mostly stressed about everything that has to be done* I’ve been particularly stressed about getting our invites out on time, and the main objective in getting that done is getting our pictures taken. I desperately want this, but it keeps getting postponed.

I picked this picture of the lips because I’ve been having worrying symptoms lately. I guess I stopped taking my depression pills consistently and I’m being affected.That combined with the stress and other factors in my life have me standing around, when suddenly I just start to feel this tingling sensation in my lips and feel like I’m going to pass out. I’m not even doing anything stressful when this happens to me, but it’s happening more frequently. How am I supposed to get married now if Latta is gone!!! *wails*

I just don’t know how I’m going to accomplish all of this….. *pulls hair out*

Marital Relations

Jake and I had a big fight last night. He decided to be an utter asshole when I invited my cousin and mother over to the house in the middle of the night. It was about midnight, and Jake and I are up all night anyways. Jake immediately got hot under the collar when I told him they were coming, reminding me how little sleep he got before going into work that day. OK, so??? Like you weren’t going to be up all night with me anyhow. I know for a fact we were up until at 3 in the morning that night, if not later!

I had been trying to compromise from the get go. First my cousin asked if I would meet him at my mother’s house, and I told him no and invited him over so that me nor Jake would have to leave the house. I thought that would be better than me leaving him at the house, or worse, trying to convince him to go to mom’s.

As predicted, he was really irritated about them coming to the house. And when I ventured to him that perhaps we might go over to mom’s house for just a short while, that pissed him off more. He didn’t want to leave the house, and he got super pissed at me I guess from the lack of sleep but really because he can be an A-Class asshole sometimes.

Long story short, about 10-15 minutes after I made the plans with my cousin, I had to suppress my tears from our fight long enough to appear calm and call my family. I made a lame excuse that Jake had just reminded me we were supposed to go to the gym to save face for him, and that was that. Jake still proceeded to look at me like I was crazy, and he continued the fight for another 2 hours or so reminding me constantly that I’m selfish and I don’t care about him and maybe I should just leave if I want to party all night. Yeah, spending some time with two other people in my family is REEEEAAAALLY PARTYING IT UP MY FRIEND >_<

He made me so mad and made me feel like dog shit on his shoe. He ground me into the ground, stepping on me over and over again, telling me how I make stupid decisions and I make him feel sluggish and unmotivated. Like I’m the worst person in the world and I’m the one that’s doing him so wrong, like I’m not the only one in his corner urging him on. I am his only friend, I put up with him day and night and I’m willing to do so because I love him. But he sure did make me feel bad last night.

The feeling continued into today. He seemed kind of cool towards me and it made me worry that what he said in heat was what he really meant. He said he didn’t want to be with me if I was going to keep him from his goals, his primary being to pass the national certification test. ONE NIGHT, I got irritated that he was playing a tutorial on youtube and netflix on another tv. The conflicting noises annoyed me, and I told him to turn his tutorial down. Ever since then, he says he’s not allowed to study around me and that I’m holding him back by not going to the gym with him more often or letting him study. I’m okay with both of those, I argued with him that just because ONE NIGHT I’m annoyed, that doesn’t mean the rest of his days he isn’t allowed to study, FUCK!!! He annoys me tremendously and has been sliding back into a suspicious mindset.

He gets upset whenever I am late from work. SORR-EEEEE I WORK FOR A GODDAMN LIVING. Occasionally, instead of leaving at 11:00pm as I am scheduled, I end up leaving a little late finishing up this or that at work. I used to be sneaky and claim to be late when I was really planning an outing, but NEWSFLASH: I don’t have illicit outings anymore. I have not been doing any shady dealing for a very long time. I gave that stuff up when I decided I wanted to marry him, BEFORE that even. I just don’t get how he can still judge me by my past so harshly when I forgive every other slight that he wounds me.

It’s definitely not fair, but then, who said life was fair? He’s been disconcerted lately because we’ve barely had any days off together in the past 2 months or so. I haven’t made it a priority to get those days off together and now I see that is a mistake. I will have to be more adamant in the future that I at least get one day off with Jake to ease his anxiety. I think he really just misses me, so I shouldn’t be so paranoid about the mean things he says when he’s mad. Maybe he didn’t mean it.

Horror of horrors if he did.

Boom Goes the Bomb!


My boss recently called me into his office to tell me some news. It started out kind of light, a little joking, and then he segued into the poor performances around the office lately. Before I knew it, he was confessing to me that he’s leaving!!!!

O.O As if that’s not distressing enough, he said to me, “Of course I’ll be backing you for the position.” O_O Honestly, I’m sitting pretty right now being an hourly employee and in the hotel industry going salary is pretty much the kiss of death D: :((((( SO NOT HAPPY!!!!

My first thoughts:

  • I don’t really want the position
  • There are so many more responsibilities
  • Before when our department performed poorly, he got yelled at and now it will be me :((((
  • I will have to become an adult and start going to work at 7 in the morning and THAT’S NOT ME!!! ARRRRRRGH!!!! (This is what I dread the most, having to switch my PM lifestyle)
  • IT’S A LOT OF STRESS
  • When people don’t show up, I’ll have to cover their shifts :((((
  • I’ll be responsible for firing people
  • I don’t think I’m responsible/reliable enough for the job

I kept all of this to myself, of course. I don’t want them to see me in doubt. I want to appear confident and ready, when really I’m shitting myself. Jake was disappointed in me for not being more excited. I mean, there are reasons to be glad-

  • I’ll be managing my own team
  • I can pick my own assistant to share my workload
  • LOTS MORE $$$
  • Being a front office manager is what I’ve always wanted to be, and the ultimate goal for my hospitality career so I should be happy about that

I’m just increasingly unsure of myself, and don’t think I’m ready. When really, it’s not that I’m not necessarily ready it’s that I CANNOT STAND THE IDEA OF DOING THE AM SHIFTS!!!! UGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH I seriously hate mornings, they can’t make me get up in the mornings I will be useless and I just do not fucking want it at all. If I could stay PM, I would have no problem taking over the position but that seems highly unlikely 😦 Why you gotta fuck shit up boss, now the pressure is on me :((((((