As some of you may know, my boss recently quit his job. I interviewed for his position, but I wasn’t happy about it. Everyone said it made sense to promote me, and I would nod my head and agree. But it seemed the more I acted like I wanted it on the outside, the more on the inside I was screaming I didn’t want it.
There’s been a lot of stress and pressure on me during this time. Everyone was encouraging me and saying I should get it, and I had to smile. I was faking it. I was faking being an ambitious person who would like to further their career. How Sad. I felt like I couldn’t admit I didn’t want it, because then people (mostly Jake) are like, “Don’t you want MORE MONEY???”
Don’t you mean don’t you want more STRESS?!!?!
I was never so glad then when my boss brought me into her office. She was trepidatious at first, nervous that she may upset me. She had no idea that over the weekend I had had a mental breakdown over the issue. I made myself sick for a weekend, worried about the position.
I had interviewed and did a good job of it. I always do well in interviews, and I was worried I’d actually convinced them to let me do the job. A job I was coming to realize I desperately did not want AT ALL.
On Saturday, I was in tears when I called my grandpa for advice. I was full of doubt and worry over the position. I didn’t think I could do it. I know how much stress I can handle, and I am already at the brink. I can’t handle much more, so I knew the job wasn’t for me but was afraid to tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know how much I doubted myself- wanted to appear confident and ambitious, ready and willing to take up the gauntlet. The opposite of what I really am.
I had a mental breakdown at work on Saturday. I called my grandpa, and he told me it was perfectly okay to accept your limitations. He said it was better to do what was best for me, and I knew better than anyone else what I could and couldn’t handle. Even though his words were comforting, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably.
Before I knew it, I was locked in the bathroom having a freak out. I bawled my eyes out, furious that I couldn’t handle the pressure of the job. I was furious at myself for admitting that I couldn’t do it. I fell short of my expectations for myself and it was a very bitter pill for me to swallow.
Speaking of pills, I blame my birth control partly for my insanity.
I noticed that my depression has worsened using the nexplanon implant I have. I am constantly bloated and fat and can’t fit into any of my pants. A co-worker of mine asked me if I was pregnant on a day I wore a dress I usually love. My other co-worker Sara admitted the dress gave me a pooch, and I felt so uncomfortable.
I’ve been uncomfortable for quite some time now. I feel crazier then ever because I started taking my depression pills to counteract the effect of the implant, but couldn’t keep it up like I never can and started taking them more sporadically, and then not at all. My brain chemistry has been fucked up.
Worse than that, my sex drive has been like -10. Of course birth control works, it makes sex seem like the most annoying chore in the world. I’ve barely felt any passion or longing for Jake in some time. And I know that’s not me, I know I love him and want him that way. I’m not falling out of love with him, I’ve just lost all interest in sex and the mechanics of it. I get annoyed, and more than that, I feel ashamed of my body. I never want to share my body, I am sick of my body.
I have determined that after my wedding, I am going to have my implant removed. I might have pain in the middle of every month, but I have to ask myself if all these other symptoms are worth the trouble I am having. I can’t stand to watch my body expand more, gain more weight. Because let’s face it, I’m not getting up and exercising to get rid of it- that’s not me >__>
I feel like maybe my mind will be better once I’m off of it, too. Maybe I have been so anxious and nervous lately because my brain chemistry is off. I wonder if it has affected my performance at my job….. Speaking of the job, the news my boss gave me yesterday was wonderful!!
People will think I am upset, but I DID NOT get the job. FUCKING HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to pump my fist in the air when she told me. As I have said, she was nervous at first to tell me the news. She never knew how much I dreaded it. I saved face. And she had a number of kind things to say to me. I felt mollified, and assured her that we were on the same page. I wasn’t upset. I am not upset. Thank God, I do not have to deal with that headache or change my life. I get to keep staying on the PM shift, which is really the chief thing I was worried about. I didn’t want to change my schedule and my life for the job. I HATE MORNINGS. I can’t be a responsible adult and work a 9-5. FUCKING TORTURE! I am so glad I dodged that bullet.
To celebrate, watch this music video. It makes me smile like no other.