Ode to a Mean Girl & 13 Reasons Why

Sometimes 40. Maybe 50.:

Work has been improving greatly for me. I was able to hire someone new and she is quite a gem thus far. I’ve been able to step back into my managerial role again and it’s been quite the distinction. Instead of running everything at the desk and getting frazzled, realizing I don’t have enough time to get everything done, now I can relax and let her do check ins. I can get things done, I am not all on my own. That’s been one positive change.

The other new improvement is my new boss. I enjoy working with Rebecca a lot. She is very efficient and her experience as a manager shows in the way she handles herself. She doesn’t know everything about the front desk but she is a quick learner. We’ve been getting along so far.

I think I’ve made a solid first impression. I asked to train the new hire, and I take on a lot of projects. Yet she has successfully taken a lot of pressure off my shoulders and a lot of work from my hands, something her predecessor failed to do. It’s refreshing to have someone who can concentrate well enough to get the job done. I regret that I do not qualify for that level of togetherness yet. I strive to achieve that someday, though. I’m just not there yet.

Image result for not where i need to be

Another positive thing I noticed around work is actually thanks to 13 Reasons Why. We have an employee who is notoriously rude and demeaning that we all have to endure everyday. We all mess up to her, it’s just a matter of degree if you’re going to get bitched out or not. During my time at this job, my department held a one-hour long meeting in which every member of the team experienced her heinous behavior and on multiple occasions. They had numerous examples to present to our general manager. Everyone shared their experiences and we had a shout-out to Mean Girls by everyone saying this about that individual.

Image result for victimized by regina george

She watched 13 Reasons Why because it is so popular. I was discussing her with another coworker, when the co-worker (who knows her better) mentioned that she never looked at things the way it looks from the victim’s standpoint. She apparently said she had no idea the impact she had on other people.

Image result for i don't mean to be rude but i'm about to be

Miraculously, she has improved her behavior. (I hope not temporarily.) She has been offering assistance without being tongue in cheek like she has in the past. She is helpful with no ulterior motive. I was shocked the other day when she offered to watch the desk for me while I went to get my lunch. It was unheard of, basically. I’ve noticed her improvements, and wonder if I should comment, but I’m afraid it’ll backfire on me somehow if I congratulate her. Do you think I should say something? Would you?

Image result for i'm not there yet but thank goodness i'm not where i was

Advertisements

Image result for may the fourth be with you

Sleeping with Other People by ladylace616
A Hey Arnold! fanfiction loosely based on the movie Sleeping with other People. In the middle of college, Helga drops out and moves back home. She discovers unfortunate circumstances have also brought a certain football headed figure from her past back to town, as well. They find themselves in uncharted territory as they deal with grief and their personal problems to form a deeper connection. Has Helga moved on from her past, or will her past catch up with her eventually?

More of my work-
Deeply Disturbed Me by [Lovelace, Lady]
Deeply Disturbed Me is a short story about the rocky relationship between a young woman and her wild and irresponsible mother. She struggles to come to terms with the aftermath of her mother’s decisions. One summer, her life is changed forever by a secret her mother has been keeping for quite some time. [BUY IT]

Get to Know Me Survey

  • What does your ideal day look like?
    Image result for reading
    An afternoon spent outdoors, reading a book with nowhere to be.
  • What did you want to be when you were younger? A writer, songwriter. When I was really young I wanted to be a singer like Selena 😛
  • Who are you most inspired by? Why? I am inspired by my husband and his pragmatic view on life, and his loving nature. He’s went through a lot but he still helps those who are less fortunate.
  • Who would you love to meet? What would you ask? Harriett Tubman. I would just want to hear more about her experience working for the Union during the Civil War.
  • What habit would you most like to break? What habit would you most like to start?
    Image result for zumba
    Smoking would be a good habit to kick for my health. I would like to someday be the type of person who gets exhilarated at the thought of working out. (Currently, that is the not the case.)
  • Think of a person you truly admire. What qualities do you like about that person? In my career, I have found myself thinking of my previous boss Latta lately. I want to be as good at my job as he was. He was a very supportive and cool boss. He got to know you, talked and joked with you, and bought you lunches- sent you on runs when you got stressed and needed to get away. More than anything, he trained you to do your job well so his would be less of a headache. He was an empathetic leader, rather than boss.Image result for leader boss
  • How do you like to relax? Relaxing with soft music and candlelight in the bathtub
  • When was the last time you did something you were afraid of? It was in my career. The last thing I was afraid to do was apply for the front office manager position a few months back. I was terrified because I didn’t really want all the stress that went with all the responsibilities. It worked out for me, because I didn’t get the position. My manager did not feel I was ready, and I hated to agree with her.
  • What are you most proud of? I am proud that my life doesn’t revolve around alcohol and getting fucked up, forgetting myself, anymore. I have moved past that urge and stage of my life, all because of my husband.
    martinezweddingfinal-24
  • What are you most afraid of? Probably being raped, or held up at gunpoint or a scenario where both of these events are likely i.e. the apocalypse or zombies
  • If life stopped today, what would you regret not doing? I would die regretting how things have become between my mother and my self. I can (and am) write a novel about the sorrow and disappointments that we’ve had together.
  • Who would you like to connect (or reconnect) with? Why? I miss my Grandpa. He has always supported me and loved me, even if he doesn’t know me that well. It’s not anyone’s fault, we’re both just busy and the whole family has fallen apart since Granny died.
  • What qualities do you admire in others? Creativity, quirkiness, outgoing behavior
  • What practical skills do you wish you had? I wish that I could master basic cooking and/or baking. Skills in the kitchen would be nice. I would also like to know how to clean and cook fish properly but never done that before.
    Image result for gordon ramsay cooking
  • Imagine you’re in your 90s. What memories would you like to have? What stories do you want to tell? I would tell about the enormously successful life I’d had as a published author and screenwriter and all the money I earned; the nice house I lived in with all my foster children and loving husband.
  • What is your favorite book/movie/song? Why?
    Related image
    My favorite book in the entire world is Gone with the Wind. I am rereading it for the 8th year in a row as I do traditionally. These two characters were made for each other in a way that no other two people have ever been. The world that Mitchell created is so immersive and well-crafted. I loved how the characters went so well together and I absolutely loved the character of Melanie Wilkes. She reminded me of my grandma; a great lady. The way that Scarlett changed as the world changed around her was very gripping and hard to put down.
  • If you could make one change in the world, what would it be? I would take down Mcdonalds/discourage widespread commercialism for fast food restaurants/make America slimmer & healthier/make healthy food popular, fast, and easy to get
  • What do you love to do for, or give to others (not an object – something from you personally)? I like to give compliments to people.
    Image result for see beauty speak it
  • What excites you? Art and writing; geeky TV shows
  • What do you wish you did more of? I wish that I worked out more, and worked on my art/collages more often. I am much more creative than I have acted lately.
  • Pretend money is no object. What would you do? Buy a new house and hire a professional decorator to do the house. Build a tree house in the backyard. Get a bitchin’ car. Pay for my mother’s rehab. See a therapist regularly.
  • What area of your life, right now, makes you feel the best? The best section of my life right now is my marriage. My career has been in a rut, and my family life is dismal.
  • Which area makes you feel the worst? Why? The family life is bad, and it’s bad because none of us are putting in any effort. We never try to see each other anymore. We’re all “busy” and we don’t know each other anymore. Splintered, apart. Sad.
  • Let’s jump forward a year. What would you like to have achieved in the past year? I would like to secure a better paying job and tweak my career some. I am open to new avenues and exploring different options. I’d like to have a job that was monday through friday, sitting at a desk somewhere. Making a lot more money, sitting comfy. I want to have gotten rid of a substantial amount of our shared debt.
  • What piece of advice would you give to five year old you? Sixteen year old you? Twenty-one year old you? Right now?
    Five: “Don’t let everyone push you around, you deserve your own opinions just like anyone else.”
    Sixteen: “When Granny goes into surgery, spend more time with your mother. She’s scared and anxious and she just needs you around. Be more patient; go with her to the shops when she goes to look at plants. It doesn’t matter that you hate plants and find it boring. Don’t be an asshole and sit in the car reading manga ignoring her. She needs you, you’re going to be her only person. It feels weird and tense right now, but your rocky relationship with your mother is only going to get worse. She’s going to fail you someday, and you should concentrate on trying not to be so disappointed when it happens. Be strong.”
    Twenty-one: “You’re doing you, just fine! You’re going to look back on these days fondly. But for heaven’s fucking sake, when Joshua comes into your life with his poetry and artistic streak, don’t be tempted. He will ruin you, and there’s nothing beautiful about it. Don’t risk yourself on him. Get back together with Hakim immediately when he asks.” (A Great Regret of My Life)
    Now: “You need to care more about yourself, try harder. It takes effort to maintain a positive attitude, but you can’t afford to let your depression overwhelm you and take control of your life. You’re not your best when you’re depressed, so fight it. Pay attention. Be mindful.”
  • How do you want to be remembered in life? Someday, I want to be the kind of Mom my Granny was to me. I want to love some little light with all my might. I want to love them, praise them, and turn a blind eye to all their faults. I will build them up, make them loved and supported. I want to be the kind of mom that doesn’t have to scold you, the look of disappointment on her face is enough to make you feel ashamed. I want to raise good kids, whether they are my own or not. I just want to share my love and make the world a better place by raising children to be empathetic, kind adults.

Time to Make a Change

Image result for change job

The last time I posted, I was very dissatisfied with things going on at work. I am still upset at this point, and for more reasons than one.

My enthusiasm for my work is gone. I’ve been very fed up with the lack of staff. I don’t particularly like the people I work with. I know it would make me happier to work somewhere that is managed better. The managers at my current job are just not well-enough equipped to do their jobs. There are so many tasks and standards to adhere to, and not enough hands or time.

Things seem to be going south. Further and further. My boss just gave her two weeks notice, for health reasons. I am not looking forward to the interim period where they are trying to hire for her position, because…. yes, I have determined I am not interested in it.

The hours are undesirable. The work load is undesirable. The responsibility of covering shifts that are missed by co-workers are too frequent/taxing. I am quite unenthused with needy guests lately. I’ve been stressed out to the maximum, and resenting the way things are being handled. The attention to detail is annoying. I am tired of management, actually. It pains me to admit that.

At least for a while, I might possibly need a break. As I was anguishing over my career and life in general, I decided to call someone wise for advice. Talking to Jake is good because he is supportive but he doesn’t always understand where I am coming from. I decided to give my Grandpa a call, and I laid it all out on the line for his consideration:

Image result for change job

I have been considering changing career paths. It’s been really distressing to me admitting to myself that I don’t have what it takes to properly do the front office manager job. I found myself explaining to Grandpa that I was not able to adhere to the standard I hold for myself in the job, and that’s true because I have high expectations. It was very comforting talking to my Grandpa, because just when I really think I’m being stupid, he has a way of making me sound really smart.

He says it’s good to recognize your own limits. It’s only giving up if you choose to view it that way. He says I’m making a conscious decision to better adjust myself. Just because I don’t have the maturity and organizational skills to manage the job now, doesn’t mean that I won’t be wonderful at it years from now. Exploring a new career path does not mean that I can never go back into the hospitality career.

I thought a career change might be nice because it would be a whole new way of life. All the jobs I have applied to have been during normal working hours, day time hours. It would be a radical change for me, and who knows if it would make me happier?

I’ve been stuck wondering if I just need some anxiety or depression pills to make me better, or do I need a whole new everything?????

I’m going to try the whole new everything.

 

On Contemplating One’s Career

Image result for life crushing me

Life has admittedly been pretty rocky for me lately. I have been having trouble focusing. I’ve been suffering from intense social anxiety and depression. As I’ve mentioned before, I still get irritated when I have to talk to anyone for any length of time. I couldn’t bear to leave the house, get dressed and go somewhere yesterday. Some days I can barely rip myself out of bed. I crave sleep, blessed unconsciousness where I can, if only temporarily, put all these somber thoughts on hold.

Image result for what you focus on grows

I did start things in the right direction this time. I have an appointment to get my birth control removed!! YIPPEE!!!!!!! #hatenexplanon #hatebc #hatebirthcontrol #hatersgonnahate #bcsucks #hormonalbirthcontrol #nothnx

Lately at work I notice that I focus on the negative all the time. I feel like I don’t know what my manager’s expectations are like for me, and I feel lost & floundering. I hate myself because I feel like I am doing a bad job, and I am. Things have been slipping through the cracks because I haven’t had the energy to care lately. My mind has been too frazzled and I get disappointed in myself because I really WASN’T ready for the job. I have only proven myself right. It SUCKS. I feel like a FAILURE.

It sucks to finally realize the end goal of your career, and find out you absolutely fucking hate the shit out of that role. I feel constantly STRESSED and there WAY TOO MANY TASKS. I know I am not being a crybaby, it is a tiresome position. The turnover rate is high for the salaried, managerial position in my industry.

I can’t wait to have this load dumped off my hands. I know I look like an employee without ambition. Because honestly, it’s like my preferences are changing with my age in a way. My brain equilibrium is off so I can’t concentrate enough to do the role and the many demanding tasks that are required. I’m not there yet, just like my GM and I discussed.

Honestly with my social anxiety, I find myself longing for a night time position somewhere. Jacob is going to be working overnight. I also enjoy the night hours, and I enjoy even more the silence of slumbering guests. There’s hardly any bullshit on the night shift, except for when there is. But that’s rare enough…

The only thing is with that position I more than likely will have to take a pay cut. A year ago, I took a pay cut to take this job where I am now. That would be down trending which I find very difficult to give myself permission to do. Yeah, the hours and less people might make me happy, but it’s not good for Jake and I as a family. We have debts we have to take care of, and I won’t be doing us any favors by lessening our monthly income. Urgh.

Your Job Satisfaction Level: 47%

Your job is about average. There are some parts you really enjoy, and some parts that stress you out.

It’s possible that you need a small change. Maybe you should switch companies or positions.

It’s also possible that you’re simply burned out. No job is perfect, even a great one.

Give yourself a personal day to think about your career goals – and if your current job is helping you achieve them.

The dilemma I find myself in… I find myself asking myself;

Do I hate…

A) my co-workers?
B) my job? Or
C) just that I have to work period?

I suspect all of the above.

Asphyxiation could’ve been my end

Hubby and I just finished watching this show together. It’s The Voices featuring Ryan Reynolds.

I thought the movie was pretty cool. It said dark comedy and I knew that was right up my alley. For once, Ryan Reynolds didn’t play his standard character. He wasn’t charming and funny, he was awkward and a lot more real. I felt a lot of sympathy towards the serial killer character. They made him so likeable, and just so confused. The cat and dog are like the angel and devil on his shoulders and his only friends. His tragic childhood made him a deranged soul, who didn’t event really register what he was doing. He had a tendency to “put [his victims] out of their misery when they were suffering.” His first kill seemed like an honest accident. He seemed so frantic and confused. It was weird mind fuck kind of movie, I’d recommend it.

It turns out Jake’s job change has been a very stressful transition. He is always stressing and out and telling me he feels like he’s going to have a heart attack. O_o I think he partially blames me. You see, he found out that the hospital has a 3 month probationary period where they can deem you unacceptable and fire you, basically. He is dreading that he won’t have a job in 3 months and is resenting the fact that he left solid pay and easy work at wal mart for a more stressful, professional high-level job than he’s ever had before. He’s pretty much always stressed out now to where he’s unbearable.

First of all, his schedule has changed and we are having our disagreements. Jake and I have always been night owls, staying up until usually anywhere between 5am-7am and then sleeping all day long. Now during his training period, he’s working a regular 9-5 and he wants me to lie down with him around 2 in the morning. Eat, have sex, lay down. I’m used to staying up much longer hours, and I find the transition annoying. I know he only wants to cuddle with me more, but I feel restrained and annoyed. I want to be up, and he can be down. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to change what I’m doing and do exactly what he does. I want to compromise though. We just haven’t figure out a good balance yet.

I admit I haven’t been getting the sleep I should be. Once he leaves early in the morning, my tendency is to be up longer and soak up some me time and forego sleep. I did something really hazardous though due to my lack of sleep.

The other day after he left for work, we were low on groceries so I went to the grocery store to buy a pizza. I then proceeded home where I put it in the oven, and then passed out for 4 hours. When I woke up, there was thick, grey smoke filling half of the trailer. The back hallway and all our clothes and anything fabric smells like shit now. I have been doing laundry steadily all day. I almost friggin killed myself!!!!

It just goes to show me things that are bad for me I need to avoid. It was selfish of me to go and buy that pizza. I never share with Jake, it’s one of my guilty pleasures. I know I’m not supposed to eat bread and I rebel anyway and eat a whole pizza to myself. Except I didn’t that day -____-

Image result for pizza sassy

Lacy, the Lady in Charge (Behind the Scenes)

Image result for lady bossThings have been hectic for me lately. I’ve been suffering from a pretty strong bout of brain fog. (Read more) Sounds like a funky excuse, but it’s more common than you think!

I’ve been experiencing some uncomfortable health issues and depression has been a side effect. The other day at work, my co-worker Dottie observed that I’ve been off the last couple of days, and I found myself admitting to her how I find it really difficult to get out of bed. Or at least, that was the case last week. I could barely peel myself out in time to get to work and showed up sloppy, hair not combed or simple things like forgetting my makeup.

I’ve been trying to do better and Jake has had a schedule change recently which has changed my sleeping patterns. He’s getting a new job soon! He starts next week as a pharmacy technician at Mercy hospital. I couldn’t be more proud. This is what we have been striving for, and the money is surely appreciated.

While I have been experiencing strong depression, don’t be mistaken about my married life. I am actually still ecstatic regarding my feelings and our marriage. We’ve been tested early on but I feel we met many compromises to see ourselves through our hardships. Being married is like finding a blessed island in the middle of a turbulent ocean, a sanctuary in the middle of a thrashing sea. I feel utterly safe and comforted, completely accepted and loved. We have been joined now and I always feels this connection between us, even when things are hard.

I’ve been wanting to seek counseling for some time now. I’ve failed to actually seek it out because I’m looking for a specific kind of therapist. I went to a younger therapist once and didn’t enjoy the experience. When I was a young kid, I was the teacher’s pet and would stay after school to chat with the older ladies. They were funny and wise, and with my Grandma missing in my life, I find myself seeking the attention of an older woman rather than a younger one.

I know it would help me a lot to seek counseling again. I have a lot of vices I’d like to discuss with someone objective. I find myself wanting to talk about my family affairs because they’re so stupid and complicated. My relationships with my mother and father are agonizing to me most of the time, and I think of them frequently though I don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing that. I’m punishing them by not talking to them. It backfires on me every time because I miss talking to them, but they friggin’ kill me so I seem to always repeat the process once I break the silence to assure myself they’re still alive and kicking. Resume resentment and sour feelings of emotional abandonment.

So as you might think, I don’t always have my shit together. Particularly, at work!! 😦 I have been stressed beyond a breaking point lately and just let a whole lot of shit slide. That’s why I’m not particularly proud to be running things. I can’t even run things in my own life. I am always forgetting to do important things for myself. I have trouble taking care of myself. I therefore have trouble managing a team of girls. I like to take a step back and just let things run on auto pilot.

Image result for lady boss

I’ve become very disappointed in my work ethic. I just don’t have the energy or will power to as well as I would like to up at my job. I want to think of the guests as nice people who help keep me in a job but mostly I feel like they’re nuisances. I’ve been stretched emotionally lately and just talking to people stresses me out. Of course, that makes doing my job well impossible. My anxiety has just been going haywire lately. Social anxiety has me dipping out of work early some nights, or otherwise praying and hoping my associates will want to go home early so I can get some solitude. I just find people talking to me very distracting and agitating. So often I just wish people, the guests and my co-workers alike, would just LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

I’m trying to work past these feelings. I try to curtail my anxiety by sitting down to work on projects in the back and let them do the check in work for the most part. I get anxiety when Chelsea sits down in the back and I am in the front. I resent doing more of the work, when I have more important things to do. I am trying to do better though, to smile and to have them be genuine rather than forced.

At work, my boss is still absent. She has been out sick since before my wedding. Since she was hired in July, she has probably worked a total of one month- and that is being generous. No one knows what ails her. She has a serious illness maybe cancer and is no longer ambulatory. She has to get around in a wheelchair when she is not in the hospital. We are in some limbo no-man’s land just waiting for the legal period to pass in which we can replace her. I have to last at least another month, mid way through November it sounded like to me. *HUFF*

I keep asking myself if I can hack this. I get so stressed out. When I think about what would make me happy and soothe my anxiety, it makes me sound so unambitious. Honestly, I would love to get hired on as a night audit manager overnight somewhere. I find the night time shift less stressful because you do not encounter as many people. But to take less money just to have less stress is going the wrong way in my career.

Speaking of my career, this experience has left me questioning my abilities. It is very nerve racking to have the job I always wanted (front office manager) and to absolutely fucking hate it. I feel overwhelmed constantly and a pressure to make everything run as smoothly as possible. I run around like a chicken with it’s head cut off instead, and feel like I’m doing a terrible job at everything I try to do.

I think it’s possible just because of my personal issues to be having troubles. I might not hate this job as much when I am mentally doing well and prepared for it. They say I should cut myself some slack more often, so here are some contributing factors to why I hate things so much right now:

A) I do not have an assistant to share the load
B) Expectations have not been clear on my manager’s part

CAN I MAKE IT?