Progress Not Perfection

Lyrics:

I’m so full of love I could barely eat

There’s nothing sweeter than my baby

I’d never want once from the cherry tree

‘Cause my baby’s sweet as can be

She give me toothaches just from kissin’ me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down

I’ll crawl home to her

*~*~*

My baby never fret none

About what my hands and my body done

If the lord don’t forgive me

I’d still have my baby and my babe would have me

When I was kissing on my baby

And she put her love down soft and sweet

In the lowland plot I was free

Heaven and hell were words to me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down


I saw a commercial today for Gatorade. Michael Jordan asked, “Do you want to know what the key to victory is? Defeat.”

There is something to be said in rising every time you fail. I was/am trying to quit smoking and I am making slip ups. If my goal was to give up smoking cold turkey, then I have failed my mission.

I feel so much happier when I smoke. I ask myself, “Why am I denying myself this? It feels so good.” It feels so good to not care. But god dammit, not caring is a slippery slope. I feel care-free right now and relieved from smoking some dirty resin. But how quickly care-free turns into a bottomless pit of despair that you’re sitting at the bottom of, smoking to forget where you are.

It’s terrible living in such despair. I have to stay away from it. I did a bad job lately when it comes to my self-reflection. For the past week and a half I have been neglecting to journal in my One Day at a Time journal and it’s fucked me up missing those days.

I have been participating in Al-Anon privately. Unfortunately, I’ve only ever went to one actual meeting and that was years ago for someone else’s problem. I realize I need to go to the meetings, I just haven’t made it a priority since I am trying to be dedicated more so to the literature. I’m on Step 4 right now which is to make a “fearless and searching moral inventory of yourself.”

That is a hard enough step without moving onto the next one. Step 5, “Become willing to admit these faults to another human being.” I made an appointment with a therapist. I could go to free meetings, but I’m too intimidated to go into a room of other people. I feel like I have to start small and admit my secrets to one person. Maybe she’ll be able to help me, but I can’t be sure. Then perhaps I can move onto the group meetings, I just feel not equal to it currently.

It’s hard to care about myself when I’ve spent so much time perfecting not caring. One nice thing about quitting smoking is that my dreams are coming back. I’ve been getting better sleep and feeling more rested. I’m not late to work because I’m smoking. I’ve been showing up to work earlier.

I have had to take more anxiety pills. It’s been 10 days since I’ve smoked actual weed. I have refrained from buying more. Technically, all I am doing is getting rid of the last of my stash. I just have a little resin left. I know I should throw it away. I have considered asking my husband to hide it for emergencies. I can’t bring myself to let him hide it, or throw it away.

Even if I’ve smoked resin a few times since Day 1, my habits are drastically improved. In my past life, I came home at 11:30pm and sat down in front of the computer and I smoked until sun up. Then I would wake and bake before work the next day. About 7 hours of the day is what I was averaging sober before. I am making progress, even if I’ve fucked up and indulged some. I just have to have a stricter resolve.

I have to remember that my discomfort is TEMPORARY. IT WILL PASS.


Steve Carell is known as a funny guy, but he has some excellent romantic roles in him as well. My hubby and I just watched;

Related image

He had some fucking killer lines. My heart broke for them. Some of my favorite lines-

Image result for seeking a friend for the end of the world quotesPenny: I wish I’d met you a long time ago. When we were kids.

Dodge: It couldn’t have happened any other way. It had to happen now.

Penny: But it isn’t enough time.

Dodge: It never would have been.

Penny: I’m scared.

Dodge: I… am madly in love with you, Penny. You’re my favorite, favorite thing.

Penny: I thought that somehow we’d save each other.

Dodge: We did. Penny. I’m really glad I got to know you.

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Hard Times

All that I want is to wake up fine
Tell me that I’m alright, that I ain’t gonna die

All that I want is a hole in the ground
You can tell me when it’s alright for me to come out

[Chorus]
Hard times, gonna make you wonder why you even try
Hard times, gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
These lives, and I still don’t know how I even survive
Hard times, hard times

And I gotta get to rock bottom, uh

[Verse 2]
Walking around with my little rain cloud
Hanging over my head and it ain’t coming down

Where do I go? Gimme some sort of sign
You hit me with lightning, maybe I’ll come alive

[Chorus]
Hard times, gonna make you wonder why you even try
Hard times, gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
These lives and I still don’t know how I even survive
Hard times, hard times

And I gotta hit rock bottom, uh

[Bridge]
Tell my friends I’m coming down
We’ll kick it when I hit the ground
Tell my friends I’m coming down
We’ll kick it when I hit the ground
When I hit the ground, when I hit the ground
When I hit the ground, when I hit the ground

[Chorus]
Hard times, gonna make you wonder why you even try
Hard times, gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
These lives and I still don’t know how I even survive
Hard times (hard times)
Hard times (hard times)
Hard times gonna make you wonder why you even try
Hard times (hard times)
Gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
These lives and I still don’t know how I even survive
Hard times (hard times)
Hard times

And I gotta get to rock bottom, uh

I LOVE CHEAP THRILLS (SURVEY)

Listen to this song on loop like I have for the past several hours; I’m in fuckin’ love.

  1. What are your strengths?
    I’m a compassionate and open minded person. I’m very laid back so flying by the seat of my pants is usually comfortable to me/I’m flexible enough to adjust when shit gets fucked up.
  2. What are your short term and long term goals for yourself?

    Short term= Get married, improve sex life.
    Long term= happily married, own our own house, and fostering young children, maybe working as a stay-at-home writer.
  3. Who matters most to you?
    My lover and my mother, in that order. They both break my heart.
  4. What are you ashamed of?
    I’m ashamed of my parents. I’m ashamed of my own inability to to get off drugs, and also for the fact my parents both have problems with addiction as well. I’m ashamed that I’m occasionally mentally unwell.
  5. What do you like to do for fun?
    I enjoy taking pictures, forcing others to be in them. I enjoy poetry and art.
  6. What new activities are you interested in or willing to try?

    I am playing Pokemon Go which is the newest fad for those of my generation. It’s pretty cool, ngl. Me and Jake had fun hitting all the Poke Stops in the area and meeting other players.
  7. What are you worried about?
    Mostly I am worried about our wedding and the marriage thereafter. I’m also a little worried about my job since a new boss is coming to run the show. (Still glad it’s not me.)
  8. What are your values? What do you believe in?

    Generally, my mission in life is to carry on my grandma’s spirit of grace and generosity. She was a truly classy lady whom everyone loved, and to wind up half the person she was would please me. Only I have a long way to go. . . Spread kindness, practice patience. Be understanding, a rock to lean on. Do not judge others lest ye yourself be judged. Live and Let Live.

  9. If you could have one wish, what would it be?
    I would most certainly wish for my Grandma to be alive. So many things would be different, not so broken anymore. Myself included. Her love was hard to lose. I would do anything to get it back.
  10. Where do you feel the safest?
    Honestly, I really like being in my car all alone. It feels like a space big enough for just me, and I actually enjoyed taking the long trips out to my Indian clinic just because of the solitude. You can sing or scream as loud as you want, it’s your friggin’ space.
  11. What or who gives me comfort?
    I feel comforted when I am with Jacob, and he holds me in his arms and strokes his fingers across my scalp gingerly. The stress just melts out the top of my head, and I feel like I was probably a cat in a past life.
  12. If you weren’t afraid, you would…..
    I would ask Jake’s grandpa for money for the wedding. It would upset both Jake and his Grandpa though, so I feel agitated. I’m sure he’d help if he knew how much I wanted it. But there’s no way to bring it about tactfully!!!
  13. What is your proudest accomplishment?
    I won 2nd place at a DECA state competition once.
  14. What is your biggest failure?
    I didn’t graduate college. I am one class away from it, but it was too hard so I stopped trying. Pitiful *smh*
  15. What do you like about your job? What do you dislike?
    Like= the incentives, the $$$, the people I work with
    Dislike=it gets busy/stressful, the hours- my bf gets pissed when I work late
  16. What does your inner critic say about you?

    that’s what I say to it!!! but really it says I’m fat, unhealthy, and crazy. Why is this man marrying me??? I’m going to be a terrible housewife because I already am. Gotta get my shit together.
  17. What do you do to show yourself self-care?
    I need to beef up on this, the only thing I can think of is when I soak my feet in epsom salts after a hard day on them. I need to take better care of myself. But saying a thing is different than actually doing it, I’ve found.
  18. What are you passionate about?
    I do feel pretty passionate about being a professional in the hospitality career. I more so feel a passion for professionalism, and would like to use this for writing to make money someday if I can!
  19. What is your happiest memory?
    I’m glad for everytime I hugged my Grandma’s neck and told her I loved her and appreciated her. I was also very happy on my birthday this year, it was the best one I’ve had in years with absolutely no tears!!! (Very rare)
  20. What are you grateful for today?
    I love my baby. I am more glad than ever to know he loves me and misses me and can’t get enough of me. I know he’s secretly crazy about me, even when he tries to show me he can do without me. No he can’t. I can’t either 🙂

Dodged a bullet, time to celebrate!!

As some of you may know, my boss recently quit his job. I interviewed for his position, but I wasn’t happy about it. Everyone said it made sense to promote me, and I would nod my head and agree. But it seemed the more I acted like I wanted it on the outside, the more on the inside I was screaming I didn’t want it.

There’s been a lot of stress and pressure on me during this time. Everyone was encouraging me and saying I should get it, and I had to smile. I was faking it. I was faking being an ambitious person who would like to further their career. How Sad. I felt like I couldn’t admit I didn’t want it, because then people (mostly Jake) are like, “Don’t you want MORE MONEY???”

Don’t you mean don’t you want more STRESS?!!?!

I was never so glad then when my boss brought me into her office. She was trepidatious at first, nervous that she may upset me. She had no idea that over the weekend I had had a mental breakdown over the issue. I made myself sick for a weekend, worried about the position.

I had interviewed and did a good job of it. I always do well in interviews, and I was worried I’d actually convinced them to let me do the job. A job I was coming to realize I desperately did not want AT ALL.

On Saturday, I was in tears when I called my grandpa for advice. I was full of doubt and worry over the position. I didn’t think I could do it. I know how much stress I can handle, and I am already at the brink. I can’t handle much more, so I knew the job wasn’t for me but was afraid to tell anyone. I didn’t want anyone to know how much I doubted myself- wanted to appear confident and ambitious, ready and willing to take up the gauntlet. The opposite of what I really am.

I had a mental breakdown at work on Saturday. I called my grandpa, and he told me it was perfectly okay to accept your limitations. He said it was better to do what was best for me, and I knew better than anyone else what I could and couldn’t handle. Even though his words were comforting, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably.

Before I knew it, I was locked in the bathroom having a freak out. I bawled my eyes out, furious that I couldn’t handle the pressure of the job. I was furious at myself for admitting that I couldn’t do it. I fell short of my expectations for myself and it was a very bitter pill for me to swallow.

Speaking of pills, I blame my birth control partly for my insanity.

I noticed that my depression has worsened using the nexplanon implant I have. I am constantly bloated and fat and can’t fit into any of my pants. A co-worker of mine asked me if I was pregnant on a day I wore a dress I usually love. My other co-worker Sara admitted the dress gave me a pooch, and I felt so uncomfortable.

I’ve been uncomfortable for quite some time now. I feel crazier then ever because I started taking my depression pills to counteract the effect of the implant, but couldn’t keep it up like I never can and started taking them more sporadically, and then not at all. My brain chemistry has been fucked up.

Worse than that, my sex drive has been like -10. Of course birth control works, it makes sex seem like the most annoying chore in the world. I’ve barely felt any passion or longing for Jake in some time. And I know that’s not me, I know I love him and want him that way. I’m not falling out of love with him, I’ve just lost all interest in sex and the mechanics of it. I get annoyed, and more than that, I feel ashamed of my body. I never want to share my body, I am sick of my body.

I have determined that after my wedding, I am going to have my implant removed. I might have pain in the middle of every month, but I have to ask myself if all these other symptoms are worth the trouble I am having. I can’t stand to watch my body expand more, gain more weight. Because let’s face it, I’m not getting up and exercising to get rid of it- that’s not me >__>

I feel like maybe my mind will be better once I’m off of it, too. Maybe I have been so anxious and nervous lately because my brain chemistry is off. I wonder if it has affected my performance at my job….. Speaking of the job, the news my boss gave me yesterday was wonderful!!

People will think I am upset, but I DID NOT get the job. FUCKING HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to pump my fist in the air when she told me. As I have said, she was nervous at first to tell me the news. She never knew how much I dreaded it. I saved face. And she had a number of kind things to say to me. I felt mollified, and assured her that we were on the same page. I wasn’t upset. I am not upset. Thank God, I do not have to deal with that headache or change my life. I get to keep staying on the PM shift, which is really the chief thing I was worried about. I didn’t want to change my schedule and my life for the job. I HATE MORNINGS. I can’t be a responsible adult and work a 9-5. FUCKING TORTURE! I am so glad I dodged that bullet.

To celebrate, watch this music video. It makes me smile like no other.

Buh-bye, TTFN

Boom Goes the Bomb!


My boss recently called me into his office to tell me some news. It started out kind of light, a little joking, and then he segued into the poor performances around the office lately. Before I knew it, he was confessing to me that he’s leaving!!!!

O.O As if that’s not distressing enough, he said to me, “Of course I’ll be backing you for the position.” O_O Honestly, I’m sitting pretty right now being an hourly employee and in the hotel industry going salary is pretty much the kiss of death D: :((((( SO NOT HAPPY!!!!

My first thoughts:

  • I don’t really want the position
  • There are so many more responsibilities
  • Before when our department performed poorly, he got yelled at and now it will be me :((((
  • I will have to become an adult and start going to work at 7 in the morning and THAT’S NOT ME!!! ARRRRRRGH!!!! (This is what I dread the most, having to switch my PM lifestyle)
  • IT’S A LOT OF STRESS
  • When people don’t show up, I’ll have to cover their shifts :((((
  • I’ll be responsible for firing people
  • I don’t think I’m responsible/reliable enough for the job

I kept all of this to myself, of course. I don’t want them to see me in doubt. I want to appear confident and ready, when really I’m shitting myself. Jake was disappointed in me for not being more excited. I mean, there are reasons to be glad-

  • I’ll be managing my own team
  • I can pick my own assistant to share my workload
  • LOTS MORE $$$
  • Being a front office manager is what I’ve always wanted to be, and the ultimate goal for my hospitality career so I should be happy about that

I’m just increasingly unsure of myself, and don’t think I’m ready. When really, it’s not that I’m not necessarily ready it’s that I CANNOT STAND THE IDEA OF DOING THE AM SHIFTS!!!! UGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH I seriously hate mornings, they can’t make me get up in the mornings I will be useless and I just do not fucking want it at all. If I could stay PM, I would have no problem taking over the position but that seems highly unlikely 😦 Why you gotta fuck shit up boss, now the pressure is on me :((((((

How Disappointing

Today was hopefully the last day that I had to work door to door. ElleOKC does guerilla advertisement door to door signing people up for installation dates. It’s kind of nerve racking, I guess . . .? I mean, I was a little uncomfortable but at the same time, I didn’t think I was so stressed out.

That’s why I was surprised and embarrassed today when I got sick, ill, whatever. I keep wanting to use the phrase mentally ill but I am reluctant to admit it. It’s stigma that is attached and it was really awkward for me today out on the field. As strange as it sounds, the most stress I felt was during lunch when my trainer basically inhaled a burger and I was dismayed that our lunch was gonna be like 15-20 minutes when the day before I had like a whole hour. I felt pressured to eat fast, and that sucked. I tried to have and maintain a positive attitude, but for some reason when we were getting out of his car getting ready to go door-to-door, I suddenly recognized myself in the middle of a panic attack.

My lips were tingling, and I felt light headed like I might pass out. I needed to take deep breaths and that was difficult to do with my short framed self trailing after long legs mcgee, huffing and puffing. He slowed for my benefit and asked me what was wrong, and I was embarrassed to tell him about my symptoms and how I had to leave the other job because of these attacks.

You Bet Your Ass I Want It

I had excellent, excellent, excellent news today!!!!

My ex-boss, Latta, has been one of the people I’ve been discussing my job change with the longest. He knows exactly what’s been going on with all the stress I’ve been under and all the girl politics taking place. He was the first person I told when I confided in him that was I was jumping ship, looking for a job elsewhere. Originally, he would joke and say I should come work for him but it was just an associate position, $10/hr. I told him I was going to try and make this other job work first (the one I don’t want).

But then today, I received a phone call, and Latta is desperate. He wants to get rid of the sap that never shows up at his job now and give me his supervisory role, a $12/hr role and I am like SIGN ME UP IMMEDIATELY. lol

Everyone will be pissed over at the Renaissance. I told them I wasn’t going to the Residence, and I wasn’t, until Latta started offering me more money. Now they’re all going to say I was a liar, but whatever. Hourly pay is like a dream come true in the hotel industry. I am feeling slightly conflicted on one front, though.

There’s a great college aged kid named Matt at the Renaissance. Latta has offered this job to Matt in the past, and Matt wasn’t willing to leave the Renaissance at the time. He came to me in confidence to ask me if he should take this job, and I told him no because the property wouldn’t suit him and we needed him over the Renaissance so I was slightly self serving when I told that to him. Ultimately, we ended up creating a higher paying position in order to get him to stay at our hotel, the Renaissance.

That was before they cut one of my PM workers for a stupid reason (she didn’t have her social security card on file and couldn’t get it within the allotted time period) and then another associate had to go on medical leave and they stole ANOTHER pm worker from me for an unknown period of time.

That left no one to work the PM shift but those shitty managers with me. Ivy has known for quite some time that I have a problem with the biggest problem maker, Jackie up at work. For one week, I had been scheduled with mostly PM shifts with Veronica and while I wasn’t thrilled, it was okay.

But then one week I came in to look at the schedule, and I see that out of our 6 day work week (which is enough to bitch about already), Ivy had scheduled me to work with the asshole Jackie for 5 out of those 6 days!!! I lost my shit. I went in the next day, got my days of working with her reduced to 3, and then gave them my two week notice. I refused to work only with those girls and cannot understand for the life of me how they make the AM hourly staff deal with these girls, they are HORRIBLE to work with. Lazy bitches that do not like to do the job they are paid for.

Well anyway, these bitches have left Matt largely alone because he’s fortunate enough to have balls. They don’t envy him as much as me, or something. Whatever the case is, he’s able to handle the stress better ultimately because I am the one that left. But now, when Latta gave me the call tonight to offer me the position, he said that he had also asked Matt again about taking the position and that Matt said he wasn’t sure.

Meanwhile, Lacy is definitely sure and willing to start as soon as possible. I just feel a little weird for taking an opportunity away from Matt, since I consider him a friend of mine. I hope he will not resent me taking the position. I hope he doesn’t change his mind at the last minute and Latta fucks me over by giving it to him instead. I think Latta would prefer for me to work it, but I guess only time will tell. I’m supposed to learn more tomorrow, like when I can come in and do an interview and all that good stuff. Latta said he wants to offer it to me, but he has to talk to his boss Kristin first and I feel really good about it since she was the one to originally hire me over at the Renaissance.

Ultimately, things are looking up and I am SUPER FUCKING EXCITED. Money, money, money!!! 😀 😀 😀 $$$$$

Listen to this song, it is so mellow I just want to masturbate to it: