Breaking Up is Hard to Do

My friend is in a bad relationship. The first clue should have been that he is technically married. He is a long distance sugar daddy. I can see the appeal in not leaving him- they weren’t dating very long when she wound up with one of his credit cards. He sent her gifts to the hotel all the time so that it was obnoxious and made all the other ladies jealous. He treated her well. They went on trips together once a month. He was very generous and they spoke on the phone everyday.

It got worse, though. He revealed himself to be the jealous kind. He would call up to our job and ask to speak to her, checking if she was really at work. When she was out and about, he would demand that she take a picture of whatever she was doing and send it to him. We live in Oklahoma and he lives in Florida~ he pressures her regularly about when she is going to move out to Florida and live with him.

For some people this would be a dream. Only he’s not physically her type. She gave him a chance but ultimately his life style and decisions are not the direction she wants to go. She is actually a divorcee and just got out of a relationship with an overbearing drug addicted philandering asshole who used to tell on her to her father. It’s a miracle she hasn’t gotten anything from him tbh. Why should she go from one domineering asshole to another clingy bastard that will only make her miserable?

She can’t bear to break up with her boyfriend. She couldn’t break up with her last one, either. She did the fade away as described in the wonderful song featured above. It’s so SILLY! Not wanting to end a relationship because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. That’s hurtful, too, guys. Because you have wasted someone’s time who may have been happy otherwise with someone who truly appreciated them. Prolonging the inevitable only makes it harder.

I have had some messy break up stories. I had to break it off abruptly with the rebound guy I was seeing after my first relationship ended. I was 20 years old, miserable and emotionally vulnerable, and I started dating a fellow I’d been crushing on for awhile. It was just six months after my break up and I was still head over heels in love with my ex. I still had hopes of getting back together so when we got together one night, I took full advantage of it and we had sex. The next day I felt horrible about my actions and decided to break it off with my rebound guy. He’d been cheated on in his past so I thought it was merciful of me not to mention what really happened.

But what did happen between me and the rebound was unfortunate. My timing was absolutely terrible, but in my eyes, it couldn’t be avoided. The guilt was too much for me to prolong our relationship or tell him the truth.

It was the week of my birthday and his mother (whom he lived with) had prepared a cake for me. He had called to ask me when I was coming over to have some when I broke the news to him 😛 I know I shouldn’t laugh but it’s pretty comical to me after the fact. “OK, we’re breaking up and I’ll never see you again, but you have that cake to comfort you.” LOL I know I’m bad.

I told him I still had feelings for my ex which was true. (The ex and I had an amicable friends with benefits relationship after that, and we did get back together once but it didn’t work out ultimately.)

*~*

The next break up story came after that unfortunate fellow. That same summer, actually. He was a hippie with a thing for adderall. We met through mutual friends at a Pride event.  Our relationship took place almost entirely in the back seat of his car with the exception of public parks and bars. We dated for a couple of weeks. Our first date, he invited me to meet him for drinks at a bar.

That summer I was very confused and vulnerable, like I said. When my childhood crush came back from deployment over seas, I jumped at the opportunity to be with him. He came to my mother’s birthday party one night to drink and we hooked up. Everyone was very surprised when he came out of my room the next morning.

I was only casually dating the hippie. I did not consider what I had done cheating. (The hippie was talking to other girls also so he wouldn’t have cared.) My childhood crush and I were not exclusive either. It was a one time thing (that we knew of at the time). I don’t know why, it was somehow just something we both understood. A drunken hook up that I didn’t remember very well but cherished nonetheless. I later described this as “banging for my country.” It is the only charitable thing to do after all LOL

The thing that led me to break up with the hippie was actually minor. One night after making out in his car, he casually commented to me that “my mustache kind of freaked him out.” I could have DIED of embarrassment. I have peach fuzz but to out and out call it a mustache mortified me. By the end of the night, I knew I would no longer be seeing him anymore.

I decided to break it off with him where things had started. I invited him to the same bar we had our first date. After we had some drinks, I mustered up my courage in the parking lot to tell him the news. I was shocked by his response. We hadn’t been dating very long, but he started crying at the news! He wanted me to comfort him and it was very awkward. Thnx but nothnx, bye!

*~*

Fast forward a year. After a successful second long term boyfriend, we had a mutual break up. No drama. I found myself in the dating world again.

I stumbled upon a good looking cholo who thought the world of me. I met him randomly going to get my car worked on. He liked me a lot and was going to be respectful at the end of our first date. I didn’t let him, though.

I liked him so much and things were going so well that I managed to finagle us into a frenzied coupling in his big pick up truck. We were parked in a residential area as we got our freak on. I was scandalized afterwards when he threw the used condom out onto the street!! Haha, weird standard I guess, but hey! Hump me in a parking lot, but don’t throw the evidence out into the world for everyone to see! Plus think how inconsiderate that is of children in the area. Like be a fucking gentleman and put that shit in your pocket or literally ANYWHERE else.

He called me to hook up again, but I never returned any of his phone calls. I never explained to him what had so turned me off. He tricked me one day by calling from a different number and said that his friends told him I had “one and done’d him” lol

Sorry, the truth is gross 😛

****And these are some of my weirder break up stories

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Theme song of my life:

Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely) by P!nk

Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It’ll make me want to kiss you

I love you so
Much more when you’re not here
Watchin all the bad shows
Drinking all of my beer

I don’t believe Adam and Eve
Spent every goddamn day together
If you give me some room there will be room enough for two

Tonight
Leave me alone I’m lonely
Alone I’m lonely
I’m tired
Leave me alone I’m lonely
Alone I’m lonely tonight

I don’t wanna wake up with another
But I don’t wanna always wake up with you either
No you can’t hop into my shower
All I ask for is one ***kin’ hour

You taste so sweet
But I can’t eat the same thing every day
Cuttin’ off the phone
Leave me the ***k alone
Tomorrow I’ll be beggin’ you to come home

Tonight
Leave me alone I’m lonely
Alone I’m lonely
I’m tired
Leave me alone I’m lonely
Alone I’m lonely tonight

Go away
Come back
Go away
Come back

Why can’t I just have it both ways
Go away
Come back
Go away

Come back
I wish you knew the difference
Go away
Come back

Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It’ll make me want to kiss you

Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It’ll make me want to kiss you

Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It’ll make me want to kiss you

Tonight
Leave me alone I’m lonely
Alone I’m lonely
I’m tired
Leave me alone I’m lonely
Alone I’m lonely tonight

Tonight
Leave me alone I’m lonely
Alone I’m lonely
I’m tired
Leave me alone I’m lonely
Alone I’m lonely tonight

Tonight
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I’m lonely

Alone I’m lonely
Say goodbye
It’ll make me want to kiss you
I’m tired

Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Leave me alone I’m lonely
Alone I’m lonely

Say goodbye
It’ll make me want to kiss you
Tonight
Go away

Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It’ll make me want to kiss you

Progress Not Perfection

Lyrics:

I’m so full of love I could barely eat

There’s nothing sweeter than my baby

I’d never want once from the cherry tree

‘Cause my baby’s sweet as can be

She give me toothaches just from kissin’ me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down

I’ll crawl home to her

*~*~*

My baby never fret none

About what my hands and my body done

If the lord don’t forgive me

I’d still have my baby and my babe would have me

When I was kissing on my baby

And she put her love down soft and sweet

In the lowland plot I was free

Heaven and hell were words to me

When my time comes around

Lay me gently in the cold dark earth

No grave can hold my body down


I saw a commercial today for Gatorade. Michael Jordan asked, “Do you want to know what the key to victory is? Defeat.”

There is something to be said in rising every time you fail. I was/am trying to quit smoking and I am making slip ups. If my goal was to give up smoking cold turkey, then I have failed my mission.

I feel so much happier when I smoke. I ask myself, “Why am I denying myself this? It feels so good.” It feels so good to not care. But god dammit, not caring is a slippery slope. I feel care-free right now and relieved from smoking some dirty resin. But how quickly care-free turns into a bottomless pit of despair that you’re sitting at the bottom of, smoking to forget where you are.

It’s terrible living in such despair. I have to stay away from it. I did a bad job lately when it comes to my self-reflection. For the past week and a half I have been neglecting to journal in my One Day at a Time journal and it’s fucked me up missing those days.

I have been participating in Al-Anon privately. Unfortunately, I’ve only ever went to one actual meeting and that was years ago for someone else’s problem. I realize I need to go to the meetings, I just haven’t made it a priority since I am trying to be dedicated more so to the literature. I’m on Step 4 right now which is to make a “fearless and searching moral inventory of yourself.”

That is a hard enough step without moving onto the next one. Step 5, “Become willing to admit these faults to another human being.” I made an appointment with a therapist. I could go to free meetings, but I’m too intimidated to go into a room of other people. I feel like I have to start small and admit my secrets to one person. Maybe she’ll be able to help me, but I can’t be sure. Then perhaps I can move onto the group meetings, I just feel not equal to it currently.

It’s hard to care about myself when I’ve spent so much time perfecting not caring. One nice thing about quitting smoking is that my dreams are coming back. I’ve been getting better sleep and feeling more rested. I’m not late to work because I’m smoking. I’ve been showing up to work earlier.

I have had to take more anxiety pills. It’s been 10 days since I’ve smoked actual weed. I have refrained from buying more. Technically, all I am doing is getting rid of the last of my stash. I just have a little resin left. I know I should throw it away. I have considered asking my husband to hide it for emergencies. I can’t bring myself to let him hide it, or throw it away.

Even if I’ve smoked resin a few times since Day 1, my habits are drastically improved. In my past life, I came home at 11:30pm and sat down in front of the computer and I smoked until sun up. Then I would wake and bake before work the next day. About 7 hours of the day is what I was averaging sober before. I am making progress, even if I’ve fucked up and indulged some. I just have to have a stricter resolve.

I have to remember that my discomfort is TEMPORARY. IT WILL PASS.


Steve Carell is known as a funny guy, but he has some excellent romantic roles in him as well. My hubby and I just watched;

Related image

He had some fucking killer lines. My heart broke for them. Some of my favorite lines-

Image result for seeking a friend for the end of the world quotesPenny: I wish I’d met you a long time ago. When we were kids.

Dodge: It couldn’t have happened any other way. It had to happen now.

Penny: But it isn’t enough time.

Dodge: It never would have been.

Penny: I’m scared.

Dodge: I… am madly in love with you, Penny. You’re my favorite, favorite thing.

Penny: I thought that somehow we’d save each other.

Dodge: We did. Penny. I’m really glad I got to know you.

Hard Times

All that I want is to wake up fine
Tell me that I’m alright, that I ain’t gonna die

All that I want is a hole in the ground
You can tell me when it’s alright for me to come out

[Chorus]
Hard times, gonna make you wonder why you even try
Hard times, gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
These lives, and I still don’t know how I even survive
Hard times, hard times

And I gotta get to rock bottom, uh

[Verse 2]
Walking around with my little rain cloud
Hanging over my head and it ain’t coming down

Where do I go? Gimme some sort of sign
You hit me with lightning, maybe I’ll come alive

[Chorus]
Hard times, gonna make you wonder why you even try
Hard times, gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
These lives and I still don’t know how I even survive
Hard times, hard times

And I gotta hit rock bottom, uh

[Bridge]
Tell my friends I’m coming down
We’ll kick it when I hit the ground
Tell my friends I’m coming down
We’ll kick it when I hit the ground
When I hit the ground, when I hit the ground
When I hit the ground, when I hit the ground

[Chorus]
Hard times, gonna make you wonder why you even try
Hard times, gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
These lives and I still don’t know how I even survive
Hard times (hard times)
Hard times (hard times)
Hard times gonna make you wonder why you even try
Hard times (hard times)
Gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
These lives and I still don’t know how I even survive
Hard times (hard times)
Hard times

And I gotta get to rock bottom, uh

I LOVE CHEAP THRILLS (SURVEY)

Listen to this song on loop like I have for the past several hours; I’m in fuckin’ love.

  1. What are your strengths?
    I’m a compassionate and open minded person. I’m very laid back so flying by the seat of my pants is usually comfortable to me/I’m flexible enough to adjust when shit gets fucked up.
  2. What are your short term and long term goals for yourself?

    Short term= Get married, improve sex life.
    Long term= happily married, own our own house, and fostering young children, maybe working as a stay-at-home writer.
  3. Who matters most to you?
    My lover and my mother, in that order. They both break my heart.
  4. What are you ashamed of?
    I’m ashamed of my parents. I’m ashamed of my own inability to to get off drugs, and also for the fact my parents both have problems with addiction as well. I’m ashamed that I’m occasionally mentally unwell.
  5. What do you like to do for fun?
    I enjoy taking pictures, forcing others to be in them. I enjoy poetry and art.
  6. What new activities are you interested in or willing to try?

    I am playing Pokemon Go which is the newest fad for those of my generation. It’s pretty cool, ngl. Me and Jake had fun hitting all the Poke Stops in the area and meeting other players.
  7. What are you worried about?
    Mostly I am worried about our wedding and the marriage thereafter. I’m also a little worried about my job since a new boss is coming to run the show. (Still glad it’s not me.)
  8. What are your values? What do you believe in?

    Generally, my mission in life is to carry on my grandma’s spirit of grace and generosity. She was a truly classy lady whom everyone loved, and to wind up half the person she was would please me. Only I have a long way to go. . . Spread kindness, practice patience. Be understanding, a rock to lean on. Do not judge others lest ye yourself be judged. Live and Let Live.

  9. If you could have one wish, what would it be?
    I would most certainly wish for my Grandma to be alive. So many things would be different, not so broken anymore. Myself included. Her love was hard to lose. I would do anything to get it back.
  10. Where do you feel the safest?
    Honestly, I really like being in my car all alone. It feels like a space big enough for just me, and I actually enjoyed taking the long trips out to my Indian clinic just because of the solitude. You can sing or scream as loud as you want, it’s your friggin’ space.
  11. What or who gives me comfort?
    I feel comforted when I am with Jacob, and he holds me in his arms and strokes his fingers across my scalp gingerly. The stress just melts out the top of my head, and I feel like I was probably a cat in a past life.
  12. If you weren’t afraid, you would…..
    I would ask Jake’s grandpa for money for the wedding. It would upset both Jake and his Grandpa though, so I feel agitated. I’m sure he’d help if he knew how much I wanted it. But there’s no way to bring it about tactfully!!!
  13. What is your proudest accomplishment?
    I won 2nd place at a DECA state competition once.
  14. What is your biggest failure?
    I didn’t graduate college. I am one class away from it, but it was too hard so I stopped trying. Pitiful *smh*
  15. What do you like about your job? What do you dislike?
    Like= the incentives, the $$$, the people I work with
    Dislike=it gets busy/stressful, the hours- my bf gets pissed when I work late
  16. What does your inner critic say about you?

    that’s what I say to it!!! but really it says I’m fat, unhealthy, and crazy. Why is this man marrying me??? I’m going to be a terrible housewife because I already am. Gotta get my shit together.
  17. What do you do to show yourself self-care?
    I need to beef up on this, the only thing I can think of is when I soak my feet in epsom salts after a hard day on them. I need to take better care of myself. But saying a thing is different than actually doing it, I’ve found.
  18. What are you passionate about?
    I do feel pretty passionate about being a professional in the hospitality career. I more so feel a passion for professionalism, and would like to use this for writing to make money someday if I can!
  19. What is your happiest memory?
    I’m glad for everytime I hugged my Grandma’s neck and told her I loved her and appreciated her. I was also very happy on my birthday this year, it was the best one I’ve had in years with absolutely no tears!!! (Very rare)
  20. What are you grateful for today?
    I love my baby. I am more glad than ever to know he loves me and misses me and can’t get enough of me. I know he’s secretly crazy about me, even when he tries to show me he can do without me. No he can’t. I can’t either 🙂

Boom Goes the Bomb!


My boss recently called me into his office to tell me some news. It started out kind of light, a little joking, and then he segued into the poor performances around the office lately. Before I knew it, he was confessing to me that he’s leaving!!!!

O.O As if that’s not distressing enough, he said to me, “Of course I’ll be backing you for the position.” O_O Honestly, I’m sitting pretty right now being an hourly employee and in the hotel industry going salary is pretty much the kiss of death D: :((((( SO NOT HAPPY!!!!

My first thoughts:

  • I don’t really want the position
  • There are so many more responsibilities
  • Before when our department performed poorly, he got yelled at and now it will be me :((((
  • I will have to become an adult and start going to work at 7 in the morning and THAT’S NOT ME!!! ARRRRRRGH!!!! (This is what I dread the most, having to switch my PM lifestyle)
  • IT’S A LOT OF STRESS
  • When people don’t show up, I’ll have to cover their shifts :((((
  • I’ll be responsible for firing people
  • I don’t think I’m responsible/reliable enough for the job

I kept all of this to myself, of course. I don’t want them to see me in doubt. I want to appear confident and ready, when really I’m shitting myself. Jake was disappointed in me for not being more excited. I mean, there are reasons to be glad-

  • I’ll be managing my own team
  • I can pick my own assistant to share my workload
  • LOTS MORE $$$
  • Being a front office manager is what I’ve always wanted to be, and the ultimate goal for my hospitality career so I should be happy about that

I’m just increasingly unsure of myself, and don’t think I’m ready. When really, it’s not that I’m not necessarily ready it’s that I CANNOT STAND THE IDEA OF DOING THE AM SHIFTS!!!! UGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH I seriously hate mornings, they can’t make me get up in the mornings I will be useless and I just do not fucking want it at all. If I could stay PM, I would have no problem taking over the position but that seems highly unlikely 😦 Why you gotta fuck shit up boss, now the pressure is on me :((((((

How Disappointing

Today was hopefully the last day that I had to work door to door. ElleOKC does guerilla advertisement door to door signing people up for installation dates. It’s kind of nerve racking, I guess . . .? I mean, I was a little uncomfortable but at the same time, I didn’t think I was so stressed out.

That’s why I was surprised and embarrassed today when I got sick, ill, whatever. I keep wanting to use the phrase mentally ill but I am reluctant to admit it. It’s stigma that is attached and it was really awkward for me today out on the field. As strange as it sounds, the most stress I felt was during lunch when my trainer basically inhaled a burger and I was dismayed that our lunch was gonna be like 15-20 minutes when the day before I had like a whole hour. I felt pressured to eat fast, and that sucked. I tried to have and maintain a positive attitude, but for some reason when we were getting out of his car getting ready to go door-to-door, I suddenly recognized myself in the middle of a panic attack.

My lips were tingling, and I felt light headed like I might pass out. I needed to take deep breaths and that was difficult to do with my short framed self trailing after long legs mcgee, huffing and puffing. He slowed for my benefit and asked me what was wrong, and I was embarrassed to tell him about my symptoms and how I had to leave the other job because of these attacks.